1. This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
2. An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
3. Early one morning, John, who works at the local funeral parlour, woke his wife, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
They rushed to the emergency room, at the local hospital, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
John told his wife not to call in sick for him until they knew what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed them that, true to their suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
John`s wife turned to John and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral parlour now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma`am, he`s not THAT sick!"
4. A man told his doctor, "I don`t think my wife`s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn`t respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her, he said, "What`s for dinner, honey?"
Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.
Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer.
Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what`s for dinner tonight?"
"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, I SAID CHICKEN, You`d better get your hearing checked!"
5. Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
6. "Hurry!" the doctor commanded his teenage daughter, "Put my stethoscope and medicine box in my car. That was an emergency call from someone who says he will die if I do not turn up immediately."
"Papa, that call was not for you but for me," replied the girl saucily.
7. Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited.
"Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis”, he said.
The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. "I will come in the morning."
The man protested, "But doctor, my wife is really serious."
The doctor replied, "I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another."
The caller protested, "That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!"
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
2. An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
3. Early one morning, John, who works at the local funeral parlour, woke his wife, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
They rushed to the emergency room, at the local hospital, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
John told his wife not to call in sick for him until they knew what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed them that, true to their suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
John`s wife turned to John and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral parlour now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma`am, he`s not THAT sick!"
4. A man told his doctor, "I don`t think my wife`s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn`t respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her, he said, "What`s for dinner, honey?"
Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.
Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer.
Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what`s for dinner tonight?"
"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, I SAID CHICKEN, You`d better get your hearing checked!"
5. Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
6. "Hurry!" the doctor commanded his teenage daughter, "Put my stethoscope and medicine box in my car. That was an emergency call from someone who says he will die if I do not turn up immediately."
"Papa, that call was not for you but for me," replied the girl saucily.
7. Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited.
"Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis”, he said.
The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. "I will come in the morning."
The man protested, "But doctor, my wife is really serious."
The doctor replied, "I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another."
The caller protested, "That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!"
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